Tuesday, July 13, 2021

GLOG Class Attempt: The π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π“‹π‘œπ“‡π‘’

They call you arrogant. Conceited. A braggart. Mentally unhinged. A shining example of toxic aristocracy. Liable to slay the dragon and forget to unchain the princess. So full of hot air that your suit of armor should come with a "WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE" label printed on the plackart.

You have no defense against any of these.


But that is okay! You do not need to win arguments.

You do not need anything else but π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡.

No, not honor. π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ with a 'u', spoken with a breathy sigh and a Habsburg Jaw. It is different. Better. Inherently more... π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π’Άπ’·π“π‘’.

You live π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡. Breathe it. Drink it. Worship it. Dream about it in the late hours of the night. Your body is a self-sufficient π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ ecosystem, both absorbing it from the world and producing it until you achieve perfect, π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π’Άπ’·π“π‘’ equilibrium.

Words like "knight" and "paladin" no longer hold a candle to what you are.*

You are an π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π“‹π‘œπ“‡π‘’. Go forth. Consume it. Excrete it. Cover the world in it, one deed at a time.

* Technically speaking, you never actually earned either of those titles, but when have you ever let a complete and utter lack of liege, land, or lineage get in the way of your π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡?


Starting Equipment: plate armour, shield, anachronistic broadsword, parade livery, ridiculous  π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π’Άπ’·π“π‘’ looking helmet.
Starting Skills: Courtesy, Speechmaker, π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡

A: π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ Points, Honorophage
B: Smite π”‡π”¦π”°π”₯𝔬𝔫𝔬𝔲𝔯
C: Aura of π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡
D: For the π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡, Most π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π’Άπ’·π“π‘’

You gain +1 HP and +1 to Reaction Rolls against nobles, knights, glory hounds, quixotic madmen, and other π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π’Άπ’·π“π‘’ types for each π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π“‹π‘œπ“‡π‘’ template you have.

A: π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ Points
You keep a running tally of the bones broken and property destroyed in your reckless disregard pursuit of π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡, and these "points" help bolster your ego in times of need. Every time you take damage or break valuables worth at least 10gp while doing something exceptionally stupid brave and attractive in the name of π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡, gain 1 π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ Point. You can store up to 10 Points within your π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ Glands- yes those are a real thing, ask any π’Ήπ‘œπ’Έπ“‰π‘œπ“Šπ“‡. Loot lost in this way does not count toward XP.

A: Honorophage
You are true to your namesake, and can subsist exclusively on π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ so long as you keep the gallant deeds rolling. Whenever you would eat a Ration, you may instead spend 1 π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ Point for the same effect. You must spend the entire meal recounting past deeds and valor, whether real or imagined.

B: Smite π”‡π”¦π”°π”₯𝔬𝔫𝔬𝔲𝔯
You may draw upon your body's reserves of π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ to smite those who would dare harbor the taint of π”‡π”¦π”°π”₯𝔬𝔫𝔬𝔲𝔯 within themselves. When you make an Attack against someone π”‡π”¦π”°π”₯π”¬π”²π”«π”¬π”―π”žπ”Ÿπ”©π”’ you may spend 3 π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ Points. If you do, take -4 to Attack in exchange for +4 Damage if the attack is successful, as you call your enemy out, bow, verbally abuse them, and declare your attack. If you miss, the Points are not expended. Because you are undoubtedly the embodiment of π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡, 𝔇𝔦𝔰π”₯𝔬𝔫𝔬𝔲𝔯 is anything that you do not stand for, or anything immediately inconvenient to you.

C: Aura of π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡
Your prodigious π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ Glands have become hyperactive. You may express these glands by spending 5 π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ Points to create a palpable 20' cloud of π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ centered on you for 3 rounds. Anyone in this cloud takes -1 Attack and Defense as they paw at their noses and try not to be violently ill. This is the π”‡π”¦π”°π”₯𝔬𝔫𝔬𝔲𝔯 being expelled from their bodies, you see. You gain +1 Save vs Fear and +1 Attack in the cloud, and you find it quite pleasant and aromatic besides.

D: For the π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡
You realize that there is nothing more π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π’Άπ’·π“π‘’ than saving your own skin so that you might survive to π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ another day. You may spend 10 π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ Points to remove 1 Fatal Wound.

D: Most π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π’Άπ’·π“π‘’
You have done it. You have completed the ritual of Accepting True π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ Into Oneself, a rite involving an idol of the anthropomorphic manifestation of π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ and a preponderance of body oil. You gain double the π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ Points from all sources, but more importantly you may now call yourself Most π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π’Άπ’·π“π‘’.


  1. Another technically functional joke class, this time mashing together a knight errant with a playstyle from Disco Elysium.

  2. This is terrible, it's perfect, it's...π»π‘œπ“ƒπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡π’Άπ’·π“π‘’

  3. This is lovely and terrifying at the same time as a concept.
    Thank you for the idea.