Wednesday, July 28, 2021

Orc God Generator

(Format borrowed from TLN.)

It is well-known that the gods hate orcs. It is equally famous that orcs hate the gods, and will spite them in a variety of ways ranging from risky death-bargaining to outright annihilation. What is less well-known is the character of those gods, who are so often lost as individuals among the laughing, mocking throng.

They may be uniformly wicked and inspiring of misotheism, but they are not generic and dull. Each hates different things, and in different ways and intensities, and knowing their differences is essential to surviving any dealings with them- or better yet, avoiding them altogether.

D2 Modus Operandi

  1. Brutally Cunning

  2. Cunningly Brutal

D4 Power Level

  1. Godling

  2. Lesser Power

  3. Greater Power

  4. Ineffable

D6 Wakefulness

  1. Profane Dormition. Often sleeps through both day & night.

  2. Listless. Sleeps regularly during the day. Occasionally naps at night.

  3. Average Sleeper. No more or less active than an ordinary hateful godhead.

  4. Fitful Slumber. Awakens briefly and at random during the day.

  5. Insomniac. Regularly stays awake well past high noon.

  6. Blear-Eyed Sentinel. Always watching. Always waiting.

D8 Hostility Level

  1. Cold Indifference

  2. Wry Schadenfreude

  3. Naked Disgust

  4. Violent Opposition

  5. Ruthless Bellicosity

  6. Gleeful Sadism

  7. Omnicidal Malice

  8. Yes

D10 Manifests as...

  1. Humanoid Avatar

  2. Graven Idol

  3. Meteor Shower

  4. Image of their Symbol

  5. Voices on the Wind

  6. A Hole in Existence

  7. Invisible yet Palpable Presence

  8. Roiling Orb of…

    1. Blood

    2. Fire

    3. Shadows

    4. Limbs & Animal Parts

    5. Light in an Alien Color

    6. Rusting Metal Fragments

  9. Sacred Animal

    1. Musk Ox

    2. Spitting Lizard

    3. Buzzard

    4. Hyena

    5. Blood Wasp

    6. Dire Zood

  10. Natural Disaster

    1. Thunderstorm

    2. Earthquake

    3. Tornado

    4. Flood

    5. Insect Plague

    6. Wildfire

D12 Craves

  1. Widespread Fear

  2. Grief & Depression

  3. Toppling of the Mighty

  4. Cessation of Existence

  5. Upended Hierarchies

  6. Grinding Oppression

  7. Pointless Cruelty

  8. Desecration of Holy Sites (except their own)

  9. Savage Conquest

  10. Insidious Betrayal

  11. Transgressed Taboos

  12. Breaking of Friendships

  13. Excessive Sacrifices of...

    1. Blood

    2. Bones

    3. Raw Flesh

    4. Fat & Sinews

    5. Yet-Living Things

    6. Wealth (i.e., Skulls)

D12 Despises

  1. Contemptible Weakness

  2. Enviable Strength

  3. Foolishness

  4. Excessive Cleverness

  5. Humility

  6. Pride

  7. Social Mores

  8. Peacetime

  9. Gentle, Painless Deaths

  10. Loyalty (except to them)

  11. Priests (including their own)

  12. Moderation

D20 Domain*

  1. Death

  2. Dying

  3. Fecundity

  4. Famine

  5. Disease

  6. Opulence

  7. Flames

  8. Beasts

  9. Hope (Lies)

  10. Darkness

  11. Blinding Light

  12. Manipulation

  13. Strength

  14. Artifice

  15. Sky

  16. Cunning

  17. Earth

  18. Non-Orcs (this deity is everyone’s problem)

  19. Roll for 2 domains, ignoring 19s or 20s.

  20. Roll for 3 domains, ignoring 19s or 20s.

*Note: There is no “War” domain because that is a given for all gods here.

D100 Quirks

  1. Recently lost a ton of followers by conversion to another god who said they were their friend, and is feeling very insecure right now.

  2. Doesn’t actually exist in between encounters. The god is destroyed and created anew out of the ether every day.

  3. Does not actually exist, at all, ever. The god is just a collective hallucination created by a very aggressive strain of ergot.

  4. Always has the juiciest gossip on the other gods.

  5. Was so frustrated at the “chicken or the egg” dilemma that they ate the metaphysical concepts of both, and that’s why chickens are a type of mythical creature now.

  6. Gained the power to return from the dead by seeding a portion of their power among several unkillable orcish champions and indestructible artifacts. Orc-cruxes, if you will.

  7. Constantly sends minions and other challenges to test its most faithful. Emaciated from lack of prayer as a result.

  8. Is an amortist- they don’t believe in the existence of mortals.

  9. Will only accept sacrifices that have been stolen from other deities.

  10. Designed that misbegotten, pig-headed variety of orcs as a sick joke.

  11. Requires that an idol of their likeness be given a high office among its followers. The actual, mortal holder of office ritually marries the idol and acts in the deity’s stead as their “spouse”.

  12. Has a skin condition that causes them to regularly slough off divine abominations that terrorize the world.

  13. Determines its mortal champions by arm-wrestling contest. The deity’s current champion is an unassuming wimp with a killer wrist technique.

  14. Invented that loud, discordant new type of music that young people listen to, and despises monotheists for giving credit to their own devils.

  15. Spent most of its energy sending a prophet down to spread the True Word centuries ago, but the prophet promptly died in obscurity.

  16. Regularly organizes massively corrupt competitions between the gods and their champions.

  17. Cheated like hell in a recent deific competition and still managed to lose.

  18. Enjoys swapping their sacred relics and ancient artifacts out for mundane junk at random.

  19. Insists that tusks were their invention and contribution to the orcish species, and encourages their followers to elaborately decorate their own. Massive, impractical prostheses and extensions abound.

  20. Their mind flutters unraveling in their wake, like a fraying scarf whose threads are magic and dementia.

  21. Never gives a good omen without pairing it with an awkward, uncomfortable, and utterly mundane revelation for the recipient to deal with.

  22. Was once killed and torn apart to create the world and/or heavenly sphere. May or may not have since gotten better.

  23. Poses as a Great Old One or Outer God to seem more edgy.

  24. Is a major proponent of the “you are what you eat” proverb. Followers have decimated the local wolf population.

  25. Looks upon mortals with the same confused, out-of-touch disdain that rich people afford the poor.

  26. Rips a permanent tear in the fabric of reality wherever it manifests.

  27. Missing an eye or limb, either literally or metaphysically. Blames another god for losing it.

  28. Only accepts prayer delivered in the form of aggressive yodeling.

  29. Slowly subsumes their high-priest’s identity until they become a deific vessel.

  30. Secretly created the orcs and instigated their torment in the hope that they will someday bring about the end of all things, gods included.

  31. Every millennium the deity tries to manifest a child into the world. The mountain-sized godling is invariably stillborn, and it soon petrifies into a new piece of topography.

  32. Could probably be convinced to start acting nice ironically.

  33. Is recently deceased, but not all of its facets and emanations know that yet.

  34. Keeps mutating living things, including their own followers, into crabs.

  35. Is said to lie waiting and dreaming at the bottom of a shifting, maze-like dungeon Below an island.

  36. Perceives the world through inverted senses. They unknowingly punish that which they try to reward, and vice versa.

  37. Is even more hungry for sacrifice than most gods. There is a wave of famine and a food desert growing in the wake of their cult.

  38. Actually a hyper-powerful wizard pretending to be a deity.

  39. Really is a deity, but pretending to be a powerful wizard pretending to be a deity as part of a long con.

  40. Inevitably drives all their priests insane with their endless rambling about how the world is a four-sided cube that experiences four simultaneous days.

  41. Granted magic to mortals to spite another deity.

  42. Is on the run from their own followers, who want to capture them and use them as a divine battery.

  43. May or may not currently haunt the moon.

  44. Too bestial and non-sapient to communicate directly with mortals.

  45. Too eldritch and hyper-intelligent to communicate directly with mortals.

  46. Originally a non-orc deity, expelled from their old pantheon out of petty shame.

    1. Goblin

    2. Swamp Dwarf

    3. Ogre Flea

    4. Graft-Elf

    5. Mer-Maggot

    6. Night-Wind Ghoul

  47. Was originally the god of a city-state, but then the city got gentrified and the whole cult was priced out of the area.

  48. May be soothed and appeased by awful puns.

  49. Turns anyone who rejects their amorous advances into an animal. This does not necessarily mean the advances stop.

  50. Has a distressing number of demi-god children.

  51. Guards an ancient, cursed city- not for any especially nefarious reason, but because they don’t want anyone to see the city’s murals that depict the deity in their awkward teen centuries.

  52. Sends most of its divine blessings and punishments to a completely different plane of existence by accident.

  53. Spreads its cult via memetic information that can infect a mortal just by sight or sound.

  54. Genuinely cares about the orcs and their plight, but hides their pity because an even greater cosmic force than the gods would punish it severely.

  55. Accidentally created trolls and goblins by mashing together and splitting up orc prototypes. Humans were created when ████████████████████████████.

  56. Completely unrelated to all other dogma, the god holds that the world is actually an egg that will soon hatch.

  57. Recently misplaced its afterlife and all the souls therein.

  58. Demands agonizing personal sacrifices of their followers before telling them it was ‘just a joke’ at the last possible second.

  59. This god’s totem animal is somewhat less fierce than others.

    1. Sugar glider

    2. Pika

    3. Mola mola

    4. Juvenile pangolin

    5. Extra-fluffy silk moth

    6. Tree frog the size of a pinhead

  60. Has an exact twin. Both are enraged by being confused with the other.

  61. Has a polar opposite twin whom they hate. They’re both equally nasty though.

  62. Is agitating for a good old fashioned god-war and is looking for a pantheon to challenge.

  63. Occasionally answers prayers with the message “we have been trying to reach you about your chariot’s extended warranty”.

  64. Shapes reality as an elaborate form of fanfiction.

  65. Carries an entire civilization inside their vacant mind.

  66. Presently exists somewhere as a small, squid-faced worm in the care of a mannequin.

  67. Is infatuated with another deity and expresses that attraction immaturely through childish pestering and meanness- this takes the form of continent-swallowing religious wars on the material plane.

  68. Knows the location of a hidden tree that bears the sour fruit of immortality. They already ate them all, though.

  69. Demands that its image be spread far and wide- urban worshipers have made the deity and their symbols popular subjects of graffiti.

  70. Is the fusion of two separate gods with similar-enough portfolios that they were conflated by mortals. They are in constant agony, and are actively looking for a way to split themself apart.

  71. Fills their followers with an irrational urge to find a way to punch the moon.

  72. Currently operates out of their cosmic parent’s stomach after the latter tried some things to avoid a prophecy being fulfilled.

  73. Formerly a demon from another pantheon who went freelance and made it bigtime.

  74. Is weakened by prayer, and diverts those energies into exploitable proxies.

  75. Gains strength from the hatred and anti-prayers directed at it.

  76. Is easily offended, but instead of smiting people they just get very passive-aggressive.

  77. Never got the memo that spikes of villainy are out of style.

  78. Has hypnotist-priests who control the minds of large groups of people to pray to the deity briefly. The affected have no memory of the event, and are often confused to find themselves kneeling in a circle.

  79. May always be appeased by offerings of sweet things- honey, candied fruit, orphans, sugar, etc.

  80. Recently agreed to worshiper-swap with another deity. Neither sect approves.

  81. Locked in combat or a game of wits with another deity right now and will send most prayers to divine voicemail. Please leave a message after the mocking cackle.

  82. Seems to have recently split into multiple personalities that each jockey for dominance.

  83. Everyone within a hundred miles of their point of manifestation tastes orange for a week- the color, not the fruit.

  84. Regularly grants mighty, albeit temporary boons to the absolutely most wretched, pathetic, and lowest of the low just for the laughs.

  85. May or may not be the figurehead of a religious pyramid scheme.

  86. Always manifests alongside a distinctive, often distorted leitmotif.

  87. Recently struck out on a solo career to create a monotheistic faith and is considered to have sold out by most other gods.

  88. Has just now suffered a major setback and is much weaker than usual.

  89. Has just succeeded over a rival and is much stronger than usual.

  90. Really doesn’t enjoy or “get” the whole blood sacrifice thing, but goes along with it for appearances.

  91. Invented the orcish double-axe as a sick joke. They still can’t believe how far it went.

  92. Sends blessings via a winged messenger. No post on weekends.

  93. Was born when a conspiracy concocted by maltheistic ur-priests got a little out of hand.

  94. Invests a secret police force of their priests with considerable abilities in stealth, miracles, and psychic powers. Nothing is more damning than sending Thoughts & Prayers after someone.

  95. Has gone catatonic from hunger and won’t stop gibbering about a spider.

  96. No one has ever heard of this god before just now- are you sure you didn’t just make them up?

  97. Is so bemusingly average for a cruel, distant god that they have no Quirk.

  98. Changes so dramatically in between appearances that this entire generator must be rerolled before their next appearance.

  99. Actually just one part of a conjoined triumvirate of gods. Use the god generator two more times, ignoring rerolls of this Quirk.

  100. This god’s away on business.